you never really expect anything bad to happen to you.  you always hear about this kind of stuff but you think the chances of it happening to you are slim to none.  but once something like this does happen to you, you cant fathom the immense pain.  you cant believe it in the beginning.  you think you’re in this nightmare and that youre going to wake up eventually.  but reality is, this happens all the time.  it happens to anyone.  and it occurs whenever it wants to, with the blink of an eye.  instantly.  the emotional turmoil that people go through when things like this happen is vast..  the pain that one feels is unimaginable..  you only have so many tears..  you go through a stage of denial..  perfectly normal.  you try to act cool and calm and not let your emotions get to you.  you deny it and tell yourself this can't be real but you cant help but go into the next stage of anger.  you start asking God why He would let this sort of thing happen.  His reasons are ambiguous.. vague, unclear, uncertain.   you cant help but blame Him, yourself, or whoever..  you just have to blame someone, something.. to feel at least some composure.. but no one is to blame here.  then you go through bargaining with whatever higher power you believe in..  then depression..  dwelling on the pain that is encompassed with this experience.. immense sorrow.... and finally acceptance.  don’t misunderstand acceptance.. you are able to move on with life, but you are not completely over the death.  in fact you don’t really know how long it will take to get over it.  heck, some never get over it..  but there are no mistakes and no coincidences.  all events are blessings given to us to learn from.  the most beautiful people that we know are those who have known defeat, suffering, struggle, loss, and have found their way out of the depths.  after going through those experiences those people have an appreciation , a sensitivity, and an understanding of life.. they are compassionate because of that.  beautiful people aren’t just born.

there isn’t joy without hardship.  dichotomy-  set of opposites..  one cant exist without the other.  if not for hate would we ever know love?  what im trying to say is that.. if there wasn’t death would we ever appreciate life…?  we can either be negative and blame or we can heal and love..  but i know healing isn’t the easiest thing in the world.  it takes time..   it’s not until you really realize that the time youre here on earth is limited and that you have no idea when your time is up that you really begin to live your life to the fullest.   you have nothing to fear if you live each day of your life right..  

it's been 6 months now, but the pain is still as strong as the day i got that phone call....